Does anyone remember the NES title Kabuki Quantum Fighter? No? Anyone?

First, let us examine the word Kabuki. What exactly is Kabuki? Well… Kabuki is a very traditional Japanese type of play. Actors and actresses dress up in maiko or geisha style and perform dances. Sometimes there are traditional puppets involved, which are controlled by ninja-looking shadowmen dudes. So Kabuki Quantum Fighter is surely a game about beating the shit out of traditional play actors and beatniks, right? Sadly no. But I would play that game in an instant! Stupid fuckin’ beatnik scum. But I digress…

Kabuki Quantum Fighter is a yet another 8-bit 2D action platformer. But it’s a really, really good one. It’s actually quite similar to the popular NES Batman title, both graphically and mechanically (although it does have a more manageable difficulty level). Perhaps they were made by the same company? I’d check if I wasn’t bone idle lazy. Unfortunately I am bone idle lazy. So… in the dis-utopian future a hero is once more required to fight the evil robot scourge. Enter the titular Kabuki Quantum Fighter. What awesome weapon do you get to fight the all pervading evil with? A lazer gun? Nope. A bazooka? Think again. A giant mech assault tank. No, no, no. You get… YOUR HAIR!

Yes, that’s right. Kabuki Quantum Fighter’s big bushy mane is apparently lethal! Which in turn can only mean that he has some seriously lax personal hygiene. My brother once goaded me into sniffing his unwashed dreadlocks. Dude… That shit was rank! So I can totally understand how Kabuki Quantum Fighter can kill with his hair. Makes perfect sense. So yes, you walk around flicking your hair at enemies with an animation that looks like you’re headbanging to metal. Which is totally awesome! In fact, I demand that every game made in the future include the option to headbang.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking; you’ve written a hell of a lot without telling us almost anything about the fucking game! And you’d be right. I will now tell you that Kabuki Quantum Fighter is a tightly controlled, mid difficulty platformer that made for an excellent alternative to Mega Man and Contra. And don’t worry, as cool as hair murder is, you also gain access to a myriad of cool power-ups (scroll weapons, spreader and of course *insert typical 8-bit power-up here*). In closing I will direct your attention to the AWESOME / AWFUL movie Kabukiman below. Seriously. Watch and prepare to piss yourself repeatedly!