As the great AVGN would say; “What a shitload of fuck!” I am, of course, referring to the Xbox One. Everyone has been frothing at the mouth and having seizures over the calamitous reveal. Now… It’s not really my place to jump on the wagon of despair. After all, I don’t own an Xbox 360 and I’ve never even thought about picking up an Xbox One. But let’s face facts; Microsoft’s reveal hasn’t won me over. Or anyone else for that matter. Standardized DRM so you can’t lend games to your buddy? Bullshit. Always having to be online or your games don’t work? Bullshit. Partnering with E.A? Bullshit. Being able to watch TV and use a hands free remote as the console’s flagship cornerstone? BUUUULLSHIIIIT. But hey… Microsoft didn’t invent the handbook for stupid gaming ideas (though they are iterating on it), so let’s take a look back at Tokyochuchu’s top five gaming gaffs.

SONY AND THE OPEN DOOR POLICY FOR HACKERS

Having an online database for customer accounts, personal information and credit card details is one thing. Having almost no security for it is quite another. So, all of our PS3 information was duly stolen by hacker scum. Adding insult to injury, Sony didn’t make the hack public knowledge until sometime after it occurred.  That type of thing needs instant transparency! Luckily, the hackers were just assholes out for kicks and not hardened cyber-criminals. But we still went a good month or so with no online functions for PS3. Have you game companies learned your lesson now? DON’T FUCKING SKIMP ON CUSTOMER SECURITY!

THE FOUL MURDER OF SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

Since 1991 Sonic the Hedgehog has been a star. He is Sega’s defining mascot and saw his name upheld with classic after classic in the 16 bit era. Sonic 1, 2, 3 and Sonic & Knuckles are bonafide gaming legends. As are Sonic CD and Sonic Adventure. But then Sega decided to severely put the brakes on the franchise. What was an excellent, simple game got pushed and cajoled into twisted, unrecognizable shapes. This led to such bastardizations as Sonic Rivals, Sonic the Fighters, Sonic Air Riders, Sonic R, Sonic Unleashed, Shadow the Hedgehog and worst of all… the truly unplayable Sonic ’06. That long decade of misery had the effect of taking a gaming icon as esteemed as Mario and wiping your ass with it. Sonic became a joke; a byword for laughably inept games. Even with the great recent turnaround of Sonic Colors, Sonic Generations and Sonic and Sega All Stars Racing, the franchise still hasn’t recovered from it’s awful stigma (and maybe it never will). So… Have you game companies learned your lesson yet? TREAT YOUR FUCKING IPs WITH CARE AND RESPECT!

ATARI AND THE GREAT 64 BIT LEAP

You had the 16bit Genesis and SNES rocking the shit back in the early nineties… But, hoah! What’s that? Atari with a 64bit machine? It can’t be true! And… It wasn’t. Two crappy 32 bit processors don’t make a 64bit machine, you morons. ‘Do the math’ their advertising slogan insisted. I did the math and traded in my SNES with 25 classic games for an Atari Jaguar with Aliens versus Predator and Atari Pinball. Big mistake. The console had three decent games. Doom, Aliens versus Predator and Tempest 2000 (the latter of which looked like a SNES title). Seriously… three good games. The rest were a bunch of 16bit ports or badly implemented crap (anyone remember Kasumi Ninja… OUCH!). Long story short, the Jaguar went down in flames and Atari pretty much went out of business. Have you game companies learned your lesson yet? DON’T SUCKER US WITH SHIT PRODUCTS OR YOUR COMPANY WILL GO DOWN IN FLAMES!

SEGA GOES DOWN IN FLAMES

This one should be very pertinent for Xbox watchers. Sega had a strong foothold in the 16bit era, even leading the competition in North America. But such shitty offerings as the Sega CD and 32X exposed both Sega’s lack of direction and disrespect for it’s loyal customers (neither the Sega CD or 32X were supported in a meaningful way). The following Sega Saturn had big technical problems too, being notoriously difficult to program for and ultimately failed. Sega’s last effort, The Dreamcast was a bit more of a return to form. Still, Sega couldn’t claw back the fans it lost by repeatedly corrupting it’s brand with inferior products. That combined with the company’s idiotic spending (the failed Neptune console cost them millions, as did Shenmue which could never have recouped it’s development cost even if it sold two copies for every machine) ultimately put Sega out of the hardware market. At which point they became a publisher and set about destroying their best loved franchise (see above). So, again… DON’T SUCKER US WITH SHIT PRODUCTS OR YOUR COMPANY WILL GO DOWN IN FLAMES!

E.T AND ATARI TRY TO DESTROY VIDEOGAMES

The Atari 2600. The ZX Spectrum. The Amstrad CPC464. The Commodore 64. These systems were easy to program for. Hell, you could get a magazine and input codes to make your own games on some of them. I myself programed a BMX game back in the day and I know nothing about game development. So… What does Joe Blogs coder do when he’s made a crappy game? He sells it, of course! With everyone and their dog making games (most of them shitty), the market was flooded by thousands of titles. Gamers couldn’t judge which games were good and which were bad. Everything was lost in a mad, confusing shuffle. Inundated with worthless titles, gamers simply turned off and stopped buying. The market crashed, the industry lost millions and companies started dropping like flies. This in turn invited Nintendo to cautiously dig itself out of the debris, holding quality assurance close to it’s heart (which is why the Nintendo seal of quality exists in the first place). Although it is perhaps unfair to lay blame at the foot of one title, the most iconic game of the crash was E.T. The game was legendarily bad and unbelievably overstocked. Another long story short; large quantities of  unsold copies were taken out and buried in the dessert! Have you game companies learned your lesson yet? DON’T SUCKER US WITH SHIT PRODUCTS OR YOUR COMPANY WILL GO DOWN IN FUCKING FLAMES!

So there you go. Take from this history lesson what you will. I hope you enjoyed reading!